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5 emails Ryo sends Ueda and the only letter he gets in return...


Iminai yo ikirarenai - lines taken from Ai Nante for the song title <3


August 20th, 2008 - 6.13pm
Email from: Nishikido Ryo
Email to: Ueda Tatsuya
Subject: Oi, Ueda, listen....

It wasn't what it looked like in that paparazzi photo. Honest. We just had a bit too much to drink, and were a bit high from being on tour and stuff, and you know he's my bandmate so I couldn't do anything about it without hurting his feelings. You know I don't care about Subaru that way - he's got a girlfriend, for pete's sake (and no, it's not Yasu, either. She's a proper girl, not a girly boy.). Just listen to me, Ueda. It didn't mean anything and it won't happen again. I swear.

Please, just listen to me....I wrote this song for you.

-Nishikido

Attachment: Iminai yo ikirarenai.mp3


August 20th, 2008 - 7.37pm
Email from: Nishikido Ryo
Email to: Ueda Tatsuya
Subject: Did you get my message?

I tried calling but your keitai is switched off. Have you been forgetting to charge it up again? I thought I put my spare charger in your car so you wouldn't forget.... Anyway, did you like the song I wrote for you? It's true, every word of it. If I don't have you, there's nothing to live for. Stupid and lame (like Yamapi and Jin), but it's true. Call me back or email and let me know what you think. Should I tell the other guys about it?

-Nishikido


August 20th, 2008 - 8.22pm
Email from: Nishikido Ryo
Email to: Ueda Tatsuya
Subject: Is your email working?

Ueda, this is getting kind of worrying. I still can't get through to your keitai, and I don't know if my emails are getting through to you. You haven't let Nakamaru near your laptop again have you? If he's crashed it again putting new gaming software on it for that idiot Taguchi to play around with....I'm gonna kill that big-nosed baka. It's your laptop, not theirs - if Taguchi wants one, he should just buy his own and let Nakamaru crashplay with it instead.

I'll be in Tokyo in a few days to deal with NEWS stuff so I'll see you when I get there. Don't make ANY plans for Saturday - that's OUR day out, my treat ok?

-Nishikido

PS Have you listened to that song yet? And have you seen Jin or Yamapi? I can't get hold of them either, but that's not unusual. Yamapi never answers his phone and Jin keeps forgetting his or leaves it on vibrate, the pervert. Get them to call me when you see them, ok?


August 20th, 2008 - 10.02pm
Email from: Nishikido Ryo
Email to: Ueda Tatsuya
Subject: What's going on? Are you still mad at me?

I stayed up late to watch Cartoon KAT-TUN and it wasn't on. What gives? They said it was cancelled for reasons beyond their control. What the fuck does that mean? You haven't gone off in a huff with someone else have you? I said I was sorry! Look, if you're not interested, just say so and we'll call it quits. I apologised but I'm not going to beg if that's what you're expecting. Just answer your bloody messages once in a while or an email. That's all I asked.

I still haven't heard from those idiots Yamapi or Jin. Any idea what they're up to? Oh my GOD. Jin hasn't gone back to America again has he? If he's taken Yamapi with him, I'll kill them both!

Just call or email me back. Please. Even if you hate me, just give me that much.

-Nishikido


August 20th, 2008 - 11.55pm
Email from: Nishikido Ryo
Email to: Ueda Tatsuya
Subject: Hey, this is Uchi...

Ueda-kun, can you email or call Ryo back please? He's worried sick and called me up, crying. He can't really take much more of this silent treatment you're giving him so can you please do the decent thing and just call him or something? I hate to see him like this. I'll stay with him tonight but I can assure you, there's nothing going on between us. We're just friends and I'm trying to help him through this...whatever it is. Just listen to him, ok?

-Uchi Hiroki

PS If you can't talk to Ryo, at least talk to me or any of the other Kanjani8. We love Ryo and hate it when he's this upset, so we'll pass on any messages you have for him, no questions asked. Please don't leave it until he gets there. He can't wait that long.




August 21st, 2008 - 12.29am

Uchi padded to the door, keeping one eye on Ryo who was hunched up on the sofa, having just cried himself nearly to sleep. Since he'd emailed Ueda for Ryo, neither of them had heard anything and it was grating on the young man's nerves. At least until the doorbell rang insistently, Ryo petulantly demanding he got up and told whoever it was at the door to fuck off, unless it was Ueda, in which case he had to get his ass in there right sharpish.

Much to Uchi's surprise, a red-eyed and tearful Jin and solemn Yamapi stood at the door and asked quietly if they could come in and talk to Ryo. He noticed that Jin carried an envelope for him and his heart took a nose-dive to the floor, but he let them in. Ryo looked up at the voices, then back down again as he saw who it was.

"Oh, it's just you. I tried calling you shitheads but neither of you answered. What the fuck is going on here?" he demanded sullenly, staring at a spot on the floor that seemed to be of incredible interest to him at that point in time.

"Here, I was asked to give you this," Jin said hesitantly, holding out the pale blue envelope, his hand shaking. He sounded close to tears and it was that that made Ryo actually look at Jin properly for the first time since he'd come into the room and his heart stopped. Something was wrong. Very wrong. This looked worse than when he'd gotten the news that Uchi had been suspended.

"What the fuck is this?" Ryo replied, trying not to notice just how close Jin was to tears as he took the envelope, not quite daring to open it just yet. "He's not dumped me for that half-wit Taguchi has he?"

"No...." Yamapi took up where Jin left off, not quite able to meet Ryo's suddenly inquisitive eyes. "Just read the damned thing, will you? Can't you see this is hard on Jin?"

"Well it's hard on me, sorry to have to break that news to you. You're not the one who had the one you love storm off on you and refuse to answer emails, text messages, voice mail...."

Ryo trailed off as he saw Yamapi's expression. "Ok, fine. I'll read the fucking thing. Then you'd better tell me what the hell is going on here."

The others just watched him as he opened the envelope, a pair of tickets falling out to land in Ryo's lap as he did so. He let them lay there as he smoothed out the single sheet of paper, Ueda's tidy handwriting easy to read.


Ryo,
I know you didn't mean to kiss Subaru, it was just a spur of the moment thing. Subaru called me and apologised so I wanted to make it up to you and bought these tickets to Leah Dizon's concert on Friday night. I hope you can make it; I called your manager and he said you were coming up that night anyway so he'd make sure you were here on time, though I asked him to keep it a secret until then. I wanted to surprise you, ne.

Anyway, I'm off to my parents' for the next couple of days as we have time off so I'll see you then. I'm leaving this with Jin just in case I don't make it back in time - I don't want you to miss the show on my account, and I'll pick up my ticket on the way there if necessary. Take care and I'll see you Friday night at the concert. I can't wait.

-Ueda Tatsuya

PS I'll call you when I get there, so you know everything's ok. Oh and I listened to the song and it's beautiful. Thank you for writing it for me. I'm sorry I can't email you back, I have to go now. I can't get it out of my mind, though. I bet it becomes a hit song for you.


Ryo looked up from the letter in confusion. "I don't get it. Why are you giving me this now?" he asked as neither Jin nor Yamapi would look him in the eye, and Jin began to actually cry softly. "What the fuck is up with you anyway, Jin? Did your dog die or something?"

Jin twitched and began to cry even harder as Yamapi glared at Ryo and rubbed Jin's back. "Haven't you been paying any attention to the news at all?" he demanded, Ryo and Uchi looking at each other in confusion. At Ryo's shake of his head, Yamapi just sighed and shrugged. "Jin should be the one to tell you this but.....Ueda never made it to his parents' place tonight. It was wet and the police think that something ran out in front of his car and he lost control...."

Ryo shook his head in denial after a loud gasp of shock. "No, that's not possible. He can't...he is a good driver. He wouldn't have lost control....are they sure it's him? No, he's gotta be fine. I would know if anything happened to him. Give me the phone, Uchi..." Jin swatted his hand away and began to shout at Ryo, the others staring at him.

"Don't you get it? He is GONE. We wouldn't be here unless....Tat-chan is gone and he's not coming back and we've all lost the best friend and most....." Jin broke down sobbing again and turned to Yamapi for comfort, the other man's arms going around his friend as he cried.

Ryo just stared at them, still unable to believe it. His Ueda couldn't be gone. It just wasn't possible. He'd KNOW. Still, it made a horrible sort of sense, now that he thought about it. The unreturned phone calls and emails. The fact that both Yamapi and Jin had been uncontactable. Jin's red eyes and tears.

Stunned, Ryo made his way to the kitchen with Uchi following him at a distance, his hand on the knife block before Uchi stopped him, his eyes and voice horrified. "No Ryo, you can't. He wouldn't want you to..." Ryo just pulled away, his eyes blank as he sank to the floor and covered his head with his hands.

"Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?"

Ryo's voice sounded hollow and strange, even to his own ears; like it was someone else altogether who was speaking. Yamapi stood at the door to the kitchen, his own eyes shadowed with grief at his friends' pain. "We tried. Your phone kept switching to voicemail or something. I think it's broken or something. I know you turn it off during performances and rehearsals but even after then, we still couldn't get hold of you. That's why we came down here in person."

"What about that bloody manager? He could have told me..." Ryo's voice was angry now, full of the grief he was feeling over not being contacted about Ueda's death. Yamapi just shook his head, looking tired and haggard.

"He says he tried as well, but by the time he got there, you'd already gone. There's only so much people can do, Ryo. We tried. Things happened that nobody can control. It was just bad timing all around; it's not anyone's fault really," he replied, shrugging. "Is there anything you want us to do? Anything you need?"

"Yeah, get the fuck out of my apartment," Ryo answered viciously, Uchi looking up at Yamapi nervously shaking his head. "Just leave me alone."

Yamapi sighed and disappeared back into the living room, presumably to deal with Jin, as Uchi knelt beside Ryo and shook Ryo's shoulders hard, slamming him back against the kitchen cupboards. "That was rude and uncalled for, Ryo," he snapped, knowing it would take anger to get through to Ryo at a time like this. "They came all the way to Osaka for you and this is all you can do? They gave you the news you needed to hear - it's not their fault Ueda died any more than it's yours or his or anyone else's. Stop pitying yourself; you're not the only one hurting here!"

"Do you think I give a flying fuck whether anyone else is hurting? He is my boyfriend! I love...." Ryo choked on the words, the tears that had so far eluded him making his cheeks wet as he clung to Uchi, sobbing heartbrokenly. "I love him, Uchi, and the last words we spoke were in anger. How am I supposed to live with that? I didn't get to even say good-bye...."

"I'm sure he understands, Ryo," Uchi replied softly, stroking Ryo's hair as the older man shook uncontrollably in his arms, crying. He'd thought Ryo had cried himself out earlier when he only thought Ueda was ignoring him, but now...

"There really isn't anything I can say or do to make it better other than to just be here for you but that's what we're going to do. That's what Jin and Yamapi are here for too, ne. They didn't have to come down here for this - they could have called Hina or any one of the others to come and tell you, but they chose to come because they knew you'd want to hear it from them, and because they wanted to grieve with you, to help you. That's what friends are for, Ryo. Don't turn them away. Give them a chance to help you...."

Neither of them heard the front doorbell ring as Uchi spoke until Hina, Yasu, and Subaru appeared at the kitchen door, then crowded into the small space and knelt, putting their arms around Ryo and Uchi, all without speaking. Uchi could hear Yoko and the other members of Kanjani8 in the living room, talking softly with Yamapi. It seemed they had all come as soon as they'd been told about Ueda and made him smile at just how he'd missed all this; they'd done the same for him when he'd been suspended. He found he missed the closeness of being with the others.